Option 3: Facing Gilgal

The trouble with being angry with yourself is that it can only last for so long before you self destruct or fall apart or option 3...?? The frustrating part is that it is pretty useless to be mad at yourself. It can at times motivate change but what kind of change really comes out of anger.  This is the pit I have found myself in in the last few days and weeks.  Irritated at myself and personally at a pretty low point.  I think they may call this "Mid-life" crisis. You know the place where you question all that you have done in the past, evaluate it as being pretty lame, and then question what exactly your going to do with yourself next. So I am pretty mad that I am at a low point at all.  I really felt like this year I was going to claim all the promises God has for me and walk into the "promise land" so to speak.  I would figure out my purpose in life and step out in faith.  Except...I didn't expect to face Gilgal.  Huh... you might be saying.


Let me explain a little... Gilgal is where the Israelites first camped upon entering the Promise Land. God had just dried up the Jordan and they crossed over on dry land, just as they had done 40 years earlier at the Red Sea when they left Egypt. What a symbolic experience for them. Finally after 40 years of wandering in the desert, they were entering the Promise Land.  Yet what does God ask them to do?  "Make flint knives and circumcise the Israelites again."  All the men of military age who left Egypt had died and their sons had not been circumcised along the way. Can you image the pain and the fear of these men in submitting to circumcision as adults?  This is the most intimate and most tender part of a man.  They were choosing to submit to God the most intimate part and in many ways they had to do that publicly.  It says that they remained in the camp until they had all healed. It took about 14 days.  Then they celebrated Passover...(which if you recall is the night all the first born children in Egypt died and the Lord spared those who placed the blood of the lamb on their door post). And finally the day after Passover they ate the first produce of the "promised land".  It was that very day that the manna stopped (manna is the bread from heaven given by God each day to feed his people for the 40 years in the desert). [Joshua 5]


Wow...here is a generation of men who had all been born in the desert. Yet, they know all the stories of their journey:  how God had delivered them both on the Passover night and at the Red Sea.  They grew up sustained on manna.  They knew God's provision in a mighty way, they knew of his provision tangibly every day.  They are on the brink of leaving the desert, a place that is barren and has hardship and on the verge of experiencing all that has been promised to them and their forefathers. What a poignant moment! I would image they would expect a celebration.  That they would be ready to worship and praise Him with singing and dancing!  They had entered the promised land.  But wait!...Stop!  Isn't Gilgal that place?!?!  Isn't circumcision an ultimate act of worship for these people.  All of the men of military age would be healing and not at all in a place of readiness for war or protection of their people.  They are entering a foreign land, a land of abundance.  There are great people on this land. Yet, they must out of trust in their God, allow every man who can fight or protect submit to pain and be flat on their backs for 14 days.  What trust... what worship... what submission to the greatness and Sovereignty of God!


So here I am choosing option 3: facing Gilgal... wanting to celebrate the Promised Land.  But instead feeling pain and realizing I must first submit my most intimate parts to the Lord:  my deepest fears, my greatest longings, my heart.  I must allow Him to circumcise my heart, my mind and my soul. I have walked through the desert for many years now.  I have seen His daily provision for my life.  I feel secure that He will provide my needs.  Yet, before I am ready for the battles I will face in the promised place, I must allow myself as my act of worship to be cut and to feel pain.  All I want to do is dance and praise Him.  Yet, all He is asking is that I submit myself completely to Him as my act of worship.  He is also asking me to do that publicly.  So if you are reading this blog, you are my witnesses.  You may be a friend who has seen me cry many tears of pain in the last week. You may be a friend or an acquaintance who had no idea what has been going on with me. You may be a stranger (or not!) who finds all this a little weird.  Either way, you are my witnesses.   It took 14 days for the Israelites to heal.  I am hoping that is all it will take for me too.  So instead of wallowing in my self pity, being angry that I am in pain, being embarrassed by my own tears.  I chose to submit myself to Gilgal.  Allowing Him to circumcise the very depths of my soul.  I do it as an act of worship. I look forward to the healing and mostly I look forward to tasting the first real meal of promise.