So here I am in the midst of whatever grief/pain/struggle I am suppose to go through at Gilgal so to speak. The very weird part is for most of this time I have been very unsure of what I am healing from. Calling it a "midlife crisis" seems so cliche but that would be what the world would call it. Anyways... one night in the midst of trying to figure things out I wake up at about 2 am and can't stop crying. I am crying and crying and crying. No, I am not PMS... not I am not really worried, angry or ?? So I get out of bed and decide journaling is the best thing for me.
I start by writing down all the things I am aching about. I go deeper and deeper and cry all the more. I began to touch on words like "discarded", "old", "trapped", "alone", "stuck", "disapproved", "disappointed", "judged" and began to ache for words like "friendship", "community", "empowered", "leadership", "purpose", "trust", "family", "belonging". As all these words and more soak over me, I am struck with the fact that I have bought into some lies.
1. "I have the reputation that I can't handle things because I am emotional."
2. "I am no longer worthwhile to the body of Christ because of my age and my status as a mother."
3. "I don't have anyone at my church who relates to my life therefore I don't belong there."
4. "As a mom and wife, my only call is to nurture and care for my children and my husband. Oh... and I should work on being content with that."
5. "Even though I am in the prime of my working life, because I am a mother and wife and a Christian I should only focus on my family. My gifts are not useful outside the confines of my family life."
WHAT??!??!??!
Do I really believe this stuff...?? Not intellectually... not conceptually but when I really look at what I am crying about, what my deep pain is, these are the judgements I have put on myself, these are the things God wants to cut out of my life. Does that mean I stop caring for my family and my husband? No! Does that mean I leave my church because there are so few moms in my stage of life? No! Does that mean I stop being emotional? NO! (Sorry, honey!) What it does mean is I stop letting these lies run my life. I must cut out the thoughts, actions and beliefs about who I am, that are keeping me from being all He intended me to be.
Ladies, we were not created for loneliness. We were not made for isolation, for lack of community, for despair, for futility. We were not created to be "working woman" or "stay at home moms"! No, we were made to be women of impact and women of worth!! We were made to take pride in all our work. We are woman of purpose for ALL our tasks: our daily grind (laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.) and ALL our daily relationships (giving a friend an ear, listening to your 10 year old talk about school, lunch with a girlfriend, etc.) and ALL our daily community work (paid job, volunteering in the classroom, making cards for a sick friend, helping at a thrift shop, etc.)
We can be godly mothers and wives and still impact the kingdom outside of our home. One is not more valuable that the other. One is not more important than the other. What is important is that we mix it up. Do a little of all of it! Do it with excellence and take our value from who we are made to be.
WOMAN of IMPACT! WOMAN of WORTH!
That is what we were created to be!
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