the collisions of sunshine and clouds

Does it ever feel like the clouds are moving in unannounced? that place of sadness? or worry? that old doubt or hurt?  Just when you think the sunshine has prevailed and the healing is complete...that sad place creeps in threatening the sunshine.  Old wounds, baggage you thought you set down long ago, old fears, past mistakes, worry and doubt.  I find it incredibly annoying!  Really... do we have to bring this one up again, Lord!  Thought I was over THAT! Thought I was done with THAT! Perhaps its another layer of hurt that needs to heal, or perhaps its a reminder that sin can easily creep in. 

I live for the sunshine moments.  Love the warmth and the excitement.  I would love to bask in that moment every day.  Yet, if there is anything I have learned on this great adventure called Following Jesus...there are reasons for all these moments.  Even the contemplative ones.. even the sad ones.   At times I have seen that it is for the purpose of knowing my own frailty, of being reminded of ALL Jesus did for me when He died for me.  Other times it is so I will find empathy.  Empathy for the friend or stranger who may enter my path... [Of course there are the times that it is just about being female and a little moody... but who admits that... :D]   Then there are the moments where it is pure longing for a better place.  The Hope of Heaven so to speak.  The desire for a world without sin.  One without my own sin, one without the sin of others.  Can you imagine such a place?  No pride, no selfish gain, no hatred, no fear, no worry, no sickness, no death, no war, no fighting, no corruption.  Deep down we all long for it.  Deep within we all wish for it.  There is a sadness knowing I will struggle with my own self until I die, that I will watch my friends and family and world struggle as well.  It feels so unnecessary.  And every so often it just makes me sad.  I can only imagine how it must make God feel.

Yet, today I am reminded that sadness has a purpose for the here and now.  Sunshine and clouds come together to bring rainbows and with it the rain to wash away the sin.  In the collision of these two things, there is promise and cleansing  which can only lead to new life and more sunshine.  So as I allow the two to collide, I commit to dwell today in the promises.  Knowing that once again the rain will come and new life will spring forth.

What is that promise I speak of... The promise that when I put my faith in Jesus Christ.  When I chose to believe that He died on the cross and rose again (however far fetched that may seem), when I put my trust in Him and chose to follow Him, I am given a pass.  A free pass, one that overcomes all the sadness, one that overcomes all the yuck in the world and in myself.  I get a free pass that gets me a personal one on one relationship with the very Living, Holy and Almighty God, creator of heaven and earth.  I get a free pass that allows me to been pure, holy and unblemished (even though we all know I ain't).  That free pass, gets me the chance to spend eternity in that perfect place I long for...and on top of it all... I get to spend ETERNITY there.  No death.... no sadness... 

It is that knowledge and that trust which causes those fears, doubts and old wounds to disappear.  I am emptied of them all, I bask in the fresh rain of redemption and walk once again in the green pastures full of promise. 

Don't you want that?? It's yours if you do...all you must do is believe. For some that is the hardest part...I know... [If you want to know more about this believing... if you desire to know God personally. Please do not hesitate to contact me...]

Thank you, God, for willingly humbling yourself to become even lower than the angels.  

You became one of us.  You lived this life, experienced pain and suffering, cried tears and came to understand the longing we have for perfection.  You did all that and then submitted yourself willingly to persecution, suffering, humiliation and then allowed your own creation to destroy you.  Just when they thought they had triumphed, you performed your most courageous act, submitting yourself unto death.  the death of the most horrendous criminals, death on the cross. So that once and for all, whosoever believes in you, can have forgiveness of sin and in that forgiveness can have eternal life.  You then unleashed all your power and glory, conquered death and rose again to new life. Praise be to the Father for His son!  He lives even now and goes before us to prepare a place for us.  

Thanks be to God! Amen

PS... I am guessing today's sadness was to remind me of what He did for me on the cross...just a guess. :}

Hope your day is full of promise!

Let it rain...

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

  my soul thirsts for you;

  my flesh faints for you

  as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." 

Psalm 63:1 

Do you ache for more? Is your soul thirsty and your land dry?  

This week...I had the privilege of joining in a worship conference with many other worship leaders from all over.  Men and women called by the Lord to lead His people into His presence.  Some were fresh and excited, others weary and lost, some were eager to learn and others ached for more.  Wednesday night we all joined in worshiping our heavenly Father.  Truly laying down our comfort and lifting up our hands and our voices together to worship Him, with dancing feet, and loud proclamation we worshiped. We proclaimed that He is mighty, able and our Lord above all.  

For the twenty-four hours to follow.  God sent the rain, literally.  Then He placed in the sky 3, 4, 5, 6 rainbows. It seemed like everywhere I turned God covered the San Diego sky with bows.  "I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant that I make between you and every living creature that is with you, for all generations."  This I was reminded of, not once, not twice but three times that God keeps His promises. The promise of abundant life, the promise to never leave us or forsake us, the promise to lead us beside still waters and to restore our soul, the promise to be our strong tower, our fortress, refuge from the storm.  And most of all the promise that when we seek Him we will find Him and He will pour out the floodgates from heaven and send the rain for our parched lips

What promises do you ache to see fulfilled?  

What dry and thirsty places does your soul long to have filled? 

"When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, 

and their tongue is parched with thirst, 

I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. 

I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys.

I will make the wilderness a pool of water and the dry land springs of water." 

Isaiah 41:17

"Shower, O heavens, from above, 

and let the clouds rain down righteousness. 

let the earth open, that salvation and righteousness may bear fruit; 

let the earth cause them both to sprout; 

I the Lord have created it." 

Isaiah 45:8

Yes Lord!

Let it rain!  Let it rain! Open the floodgates from heaven! 

My soul longs for you, nothing else will do! 

Strengths Gained in Waiting

If you have been following my blog for a while now, you know that I have been stretching and waiting and stretching and waiting.  I have grown and been challenged quite publicly with a wonderful audience of friends like you listening.   So I have a revelation for all of you, I think that I am finally in a new season. No, the journey is not done, in fact, in many ways it is just beginning but I am starting to see the why in all the waiting, the plan in all the uncertainty, the path in the midst of my chaos. I am beginning to see what I was being prepared for. I think I am finally leaving the waiting room.

For several days now I have gone back and re-read my posts from the past 2 years.  All I can say, is WOW... I see strength where I thought there was none, I hear wisdom and encouragement when all I felt was doubt, I read hope in the midst of my uncertainty. Thank you God!  I am beyond surprised by all God has said through me and am seeing now that indeed..."Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.  They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint."  

The most exciting realization is that the strength that was given during the waiting, is not just for that dry season, but in fact it is a permanent gain taken into the next season. We grow in strength by having the courage to wait and by walking out the pain and uncertainty of growth. But we don't just gain the strength to get through the difficulty of waiting and the challenge of growth.  Instead, we take that strength on into the future.  It is the long waiting that in fact may be what prepares us for the next step in the journey.  So once again I find myself compelled to share quite publicly what it is I have learned. 

The strengths I have gained while waiting...

1. I am humbled... I am not much without God's help. I have been incredibly gifted by Him but am only able to use those gifts to their full potential when I am submitted wholly to Him. He will fill in the blanks in my sentences, the gaps in my abilities, the blatant failures of my humanness. 

2. I care less what others think of me...I'd like to say I care nothing of what other's think of me. But I don't think that is realistic and many times not wise as well.  I plan to hang on to a healthy dose of respect for other's demands of me, but am also determined to seek first God's design for my time, my energy and my passion.

3. I believe again that dreams do come true... We may mourn the loss of our dreams and our longings for a season, but God's design is that they become completely under His guidance until He can fulfill them beyond our expectations.  In fact, He is in the business of fulfilling dreams we didn't realize we even had or ones we only thought would happen in heaven.

4. God is cool! He really is!  Even when He is hard on us... to grow us... challenge us...mold us...He has the very best in mind for us.  It doesn't feel good when He disciplines us and makes us into a new creation, but in the long run, it's worth it.  I like who He is making me into.  It's a healthier person, a more content person, a more focused follower.  He molds us then sets us free to be all He has created us to be.

5. I must hold EVERY thought captive!  I am a spinner of tales.  Tales of wo against my own frailty.  I am my worst enemy and my biggest critic.  There are times when I must ignore, move on from, deny, and purposefully destroy certain thoughts, beliefs, tales of wo, and other crazy ideas that come to rule my heart and mind like a twisted rope choking out life. No more!

6. Just because I am afraid or freaked out doesn't mean I'm not doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing.  In fact, if I push through my fear and trust God, I may surprise both myself and everyone else with the outcome. Who knows, it might even be fun! :D

7. Lastly, but most importantly....I must spend daily time with my Savior. Time in prayer.  Time in the Word. Even if it is reading one Bible verse each day.  God's truth must permeate my being regularly. 

Can you tell it has been a lot of strength training? I know I still have a lot to learn...But I also can see know that He has been preparing me for the next part of my journey.  Without waiting (which I complained about profusely), without submitting to Him (which I questioned regularly), without sharing with all of you (which challenged my privacy)...I would not have this list of strengths.  Thanks for walking this journey with me.  I hope you will take the time to share yours...with whoever is suppose to listen.  I am thankful that I have not walked it alone. 

BTW...I am also thankful to be leaving the waiting room. Whew!

Exercise the small muscles first...

I had wondered if it was going to happen that week.  I had that bag sitting in the back of my car, several times needing to remind my kids it was not for snacking but for the homeless.  It was Friday, almost a week since they had been passed out at church: Blessings Bags for the Homeless. My busy week of driving all over the community for this and that rehearsal, dance classes, violin, picking up from schools, grocery store, Costco, etc. did not include seeking out the homeless.  Lord, give me an opportunity right in my path, I had whispered several times that week.    So there I was driving through the Carmel Mountain shopping center.  I was busy thinking about my morning at the gym. "Exercise the large muscle groups first.  Then the small ones" it said on the monitor... did I do this? not sure.....hmmm... it's frustrating that stores are not open earlier... don't they know us moms are free right after drop off from school.... why do they wait until 10 am to open stores??!?... hmmm... that would be a funny comment to put on Facebook... what could I say??...oh shoot... I have to drive around the construction... oh yeah... they are putting in a Nordstrom Rack... at least that is what I heard.....that will be pretty cool....I bet they won't open until 10 either though... grrr... 


I pull out onto Carmel Mountain Road and then I see him.  His head was hung low, his shoulders hunched over, his white hair stuck up in odd places, he had a cigarette.  He did not even look up as he crossed the street.  Then I saw what was under his arm:  A wet sleeping bag... Neatly rolled... tied with a string.  I passed him and then looked back.  "He's the one!" I heard that still small voice.  "Really... I'm by myself.  My kids won't share the experience."  "Go back."  OK... I turn my car around and stop by the side of the road.  Dashing up to him, I say "excuse me, sir!"


He looked up. I catch him and say..."I see that you spent the night out in this rain. I sure that was a long night.  I just wanted to stop and give this bag to you. God wanted me to give it to you."  He looked up to me and I stared back into warm crystal blue sky eyes. "Thank you!God bless you!" he says with warmth in his eyes and even a small sparkle.  "Do you know Jesus as your Savior?" I inquire.  "YES! He is My Father." He says as his eyes continue to glow at me and he holds his head up from it's dropped position. "How long have you lived in San Diego?" I ask. "Oh seven years, it's been. I keep thinking the Good Lord is going to take me.  I keep thinking my time is done." This time I hear a longing in his voice.  We say in unison. "But he must still have plans for you/me."  I smile...almost grin as I know we share the same Lord and have the same words.  "He must have something else in mind for you. He must have plans for your life." I say.  He eyes smile back at me as he places his hand on my arm and says. "Thank you, my sister."


As I walk back to my car, the tears fill my eyes.  I have just looked into the face of Jesus.  "Whatever you do for the least of these my brothers and sisters you do it for me."  Then in that still small voice I hear. "Sometimes it is good to exercise the small muscles first."

Masks: It is a GOOD day!

We all wear them. We all need them.  The dinner party with the husband's boss.  The girlfriend we haven't seen in years.  The one you put on when your tired and really want to be a grump but know your family needs you to smile.  The one you pull out to hide the pain.  The one you need when your torn up, distraught, in grief and can barely hold your head up.  We smile, hold it in, cover it up, mask it.

I recognize those masks.  I have worn them myself.  Some of them are useful.  Some of them are all that get you through. Fake it till you make it, so to speak....

Sometimes I wonder when they will totally go away. Sometimes I throw them off and regret the things I say.  Sometimes I run to them, ready to put them on.  Other times I am thankful they are there when I want to hide.

Today I chose to embrace them. They represent all of who I am...all of who I want to be... all of what I want life to bring.  Today, I love on them.  I give them grace.  They are my masks, I wear them from time to time.  But they are truly part of me.

Today I chose this, because today is a day that all of it doesn't matter.  Today is a day that takes away the importance of those masks..It removes why I wear them...it transcends why I need them... it addresses why there is pain to cover... it covers the reasons I have pretended... it covers what I want to hide....Today is a good day...

Today is GOOD FRIDAY!

Today is the day my Savior died for it all. Today if you chose He will cover it all.  Not with a mask...not with a label... not with pretending.  No... if you chose to believe... He will cover it instead with His blood that He shed.  With pain that He suffered...He covers it all.  It gives us the grace to love our mistakes.  It gives us the freedom to wear Him as our covering.  His light... His beacon... His grace! It is Him we can run to. In all our weakness, He becomes our strength.  Even our masks, He choses to embrace.

Today I chose Him!  Do you?