Down by the Boardwalk

The thing about dreams and the pursuit of them is it always seems as if once you have headed out into the boardwalk, it's nothing like you expect.  There are ways that each new adventure that's discovered is harder to pursue and yet somehow it is much easier at the same moment.  Somehow each step of the walk there is more patience for the process.  The slowness of getting there becomes more appreciated....the realization you have left some behind and the courage to face each step despite the obstacles seems obvious although no less frightening.  If you've known me for any length of time, you know I am a big dreamer.  Out of the clutter of the boardwalk, with it's crazy purses and wild umbrellas and too many people all trying to go in their own direction... I somehow focus down on ONE thing... one dream... one idea....one pursuit.  I can remember the years back when I lost my "muchness" for such pursuits.  So many of those years I felt alone as I faced the jabberwocky.  More recently, I have come to enjoy and need the strength of the friends and acquaintances around me.  Sometimes even complete strangers impact me with their words and their kindness.  Spurring me on to new heights.  Many times they are women like myself, stepping out into new dreams.  Other times it is seeing others' courage to face their jabberwocky that I find strength.  One thing I know for certain, we are not meant to walk the Boardwalk alone.  We must be willing to stop to look at others fancy purses and crazy dreams.  Smile together and grant one another strength and courage to pursue.  

Enough...

Well, it has been a long time since I have written. I had promised myself and God that I would only write when I have something to say.  I know those of you who know me personally are thinking, "when does Kelly NOT have something to say!?!?"...well... let's just say... life has been enough.

Enough is actually what has inspired me to write.  It seems to be a bit of a theme in the last few months. For those of you who followed me from the start of writing you will remember I had several months of really questioning, really waiting, really wondering what was next for me.  It was a time of incredible turmoil...Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin...Not know which way I was headed... concerned about what "more" God had for my time and my life... knowing there was a "promised" stream of living water I was seeking.

So here I am and here is the great I AM right along beside me.  Life has changed so much but it is sufficient... it is enough.  We joke around here that we did everything but move.  New church, new dance studio, new school...so many new friends that I still don't remember all their names....(sigh...can one have dementia at 42??!)  Life is most definately fuller...opportunity seems to be on the horizon.  It is interesting to be on the other side of that turmoil now.  Looking back it is not always clear how it all began.
Thankfully, I have confidence it was God breathed. And as I think about all these changes there is a deep contentment in my soul. Indeed, it is a life entirely of His making.  I've had a say in some of it.... but most of it didn't make sense from my human perspective.

So while I terribly miss old friends and this new life isn't perfect by any stretch. All in all, it is enough.

So with this in mind... how do I plan to live in "enough" when I live in a "never enough" culture.

First off, I want to breed contentment in my heart.  I tend to be a bit restless.  Always pursuing the next idea, dream, vision.  I am both futuristic and an ideator and apparently have to do that strategically besides... sigh... I have made the decision to keep making those plans.  Keep dreaming about the future...write down the ideas... give them away when appropriate...do them when they seem fitting... but chose to wait when not.  I must admit at times I must force some patience into this restless heart.  But thankfully I can ask the Lord to quiet my soul.  Having contentment that HE designed me and HE knows how to breed that contentment in the quiet places of my soul.

Next, I plan to celebrate all that is good.  So much to be thankful for, so much to celebrate. I have to say I want to do that with both old friends and new ones. So cheers to all of you, who have been there through up and down, who have waited to spend time me when I have been too distracted, who have loved from a far even when we have had no time together, who have open their hearts to new friendship with me, who have shared this journey of life.  To all of you, thank you for being my friend!

And finally, I plan to keep moving forward. Yes, it is enough that I have not started up my career again, and it is enough that I have plans for my future that I am not acting on yet. It is enough that I am focused on my kids and family first,  and it is enough that I have not perfected certain talents and gifts. So while all this is ENOUGH...  I plan to keep making steps towards all the dreams and ideas keeping my eyes on the goals, being open to the twists and curves that God may have designed for this part of my journey, all the while staying certain that the small steps towards what ever goal I am pursuing are ENOUGH!

Have you had #enough ??... Maybe it's time to #livewithenough

Did I really do THAT?? say THAT?? think THAT??

Ever do what you don't want to do... say what you wish you hadn't said... caught by surprise at your own thoughts...angry at your own actions...ever shouted the word hypocrite at yourself...

Paul said it in his own words in Romans 7:15 "I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want but I do the very think I hate...For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing..." Well.. I must say I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this struggle.  Later on he goes on to call himself a "wretched man!"

Ok so there you have it... Clearly believers and those who has been "set free" by Christ grapple with sin.  Our own struggle to do what's right.  Additionally, our sin is in the spotlight... on the stage... laid out for the discerning eye. For we represent one who is PERFECT... without blemish... we represent Jesus.  Others expect more...and while our intention is to do what is right and our intention is to ALWAYS chose life...Instead, we blow it....instead we struggle with our own frailty, our humaness, our flesh.

"I can't believe she said that"... "I can't believe she did that"... hmmm...wonder if someone has said that about you.  I have... I probably deserved it. Reality is just because I'm forgiven doesn't make me less of a sinner.

So often we have good intentions..think we are doing the right thing...believing our words are good...yet later we find out we hurt others, misrepresented ourselves or just outright failed. What the heck!! 

Dang... I'm pretty sure this is just where the enemy wants us...struggling...sinning...hurting. Somehow it manages to take us by surprise.  But should it??... isn't that the best plan of all??...isn't that the best way to make God look bad?? Get His children sinning, get others to yell "hypocrite" all the louder.

Guard yourself...put up your armor...be prepared and ready for battle... a war is being waged against God and we must be ready to fight.

Don't turn away and give up... don't run away and hide... lean into the choices that bring life...release it and take it to the cross.  Push through the "I'm sorries," chose the higher road, fight the good fight and don't give up.  It is a battle we must not turn from.. the struggle within ourself.. the ache to do good...we must chose life. We must chose Christ.

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places...

Therefore,

Take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one, and take up the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication."

Truth...Righteousness...Peace...Faith...Salvation...God's Word... Prayer

Arm yourself with these things and get ready to fight! Don't give up! Don't give in! Keep fighting the GOOD fight!

Brothers and sisters in Christ, we are not alone in this!  Pray for one another! Stand firm in His word together!  Do not be the first to cast a stone!  Christian against Christian! Brother and sister against each other!  No instead we must come along side one another and encourage and uphold and bless and point each other back to the Cross...Point each other towards...

Truth...Righteousness...Peace...Faith...Salvation...God's Word... Prayer

My prayers are with each of you!

the collisions of sunshine and clouds

Does it ever feel like the clouds are moving in unannounced? that place of sadness? or worry? that old doubt or hurt?  Just when you think the sunshine has prevailed and the healing is complete...that sad place creeps in threatening the sunshine.  Old wounds, baggage you thought you set down long ago, old fears, past mistakes, worry and doubt.  I find it incredibly annoying!  Really... do we have to bring this one up again, Lord!  Thought I was over THAT! Thought I was done with THAT! Perhaps its another layer of hurt that needs to heal, or perhaps its a reminder that sin can easily creep in. 

I live for the sunshine moments.  Love the warmth and the excitement.  I would love to bask in that moment every day.  Yet, if there is anything I have learned on this great adventure called Following Jesus...there are reasons for all these moments.  Even the contemplative ones.. even the sad ones.   At times I have seen that it is for the purpose of knowing my own frailty, of being reminded of ALL Jesus did for me when He died for me.  Other times it is so I will find empathy.  Empathy for the friend or stranger who may enter my path... [Of course there are the times that it is just about being female and a little moody... but who admits that... :D]   Then there are the moments where it is pure longing for a better place.  The Hope of Heaven so to speak.  The desire for a world without sin.  One without my own sin, one without the sin of others.  Can you imagine such a place?  No pride, no selfish gain, no hatred, no fear, no worry, no sickness, no death, no war, no fighting, no corruption.  Deep down we all long for it.  Deep within we all wish for it.  There is a sadness knowing I will struggle with my own self until I die, that I will watch my friends and family and world struggle as well.  It feels so unnecessary.  And every so often it just makes me sad.  I can only imagine how it must make God feel.

Yet, today I am reminded that sadness has a purpose for the here and now.  Sunshine and clouds come together to bring rainbows and with it the rain to wash away the sin.  In the collision of these two things, there is promise and cleansing  which can only lead to new life and more sunshine.  So as I allow the two to collide, I commit to dwell today in the promises.  Knowing that once again the rain will come and new life will spring forth.

What is that promise I speak of... The promise that when I put my faith in Jesus Christ.  When I chose to believe that He died on the cross and rose again (however far fetched that may seem), when I put my trust in Him and chose to follow Him, I am given a pass.  A free pass, one that overcomes all the sadness, one that overcomes all the yuck in the world and in myself.  I get a free pass that gets me a personal one on one relationship with the very Living, Holy and Almighty God, creator of heaven and earth.  I get a free pass that allows me to been pure, holy and unblemished (even though we all know I ain't).  That free pass, gets me the chance to spend eternity in that perfect place I long for...and on top of it all... I get to spend ETERNITY there.  No death.... no sadness... 

It is that knowledge and that trust which causes those fears, doubts and old wounds to disappear.  I am emptied of them all, I bask in the fresh rain of redemption and walk once again in the green pastures full of promise. 

Don't you want that?? It's yours if you do...all you must do is believe. For some that is the hardest part...I know... [If you want to know more about this believing... if you desire to know God personally. Please do not hesitate to contact me...]

Thank you, God, for willingly humbling yourself to become even lower than the angels.  

You became one of us.  You lived this life, experienced pain and suffering, cried tears and came to understand the longing we have for perfection.  You did all that and then submitted yourself willingly to persecution, suffering, humiliation and then allowed your own creation to destroy you.  Just when they thought they had triumphed, you performed your most courageous act, submitting yourself unto death.  the death of the most horrendous criminals, death on the cross. So that once and for all, whosoever believes in you, can have forgiveness of sin and in that forgiveness can have eternal life.  You then unleashed all your power and glory, conquered death and rose again to new life. Praise be to the Father for His son!  He lives even now and goes before us to prepare a place for us.  

Thanks be to God! Amen

PS... I am guessing today's sadness was to remind me of what He did for me on the cross...just a guess. :}

Hope your day is full of promise!

Let it rain...

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you;

  my soul thirsts for you;

  my flesh faints for you

  as in a dry and weary land where there is no water." 

Psalm 63:1 

Do you ache for more? Is your soul thirsty and your land dry?  

This week...I had the privilege of joining in a worship conference with many other worship leaders from all over.  Men and women called by the Lord to lead His people into His presence.  Some were fresh and excited, others weary and lost, some were eager to learn and others ached for more.  Wednesday night we all joined in worshiping our heavenly Father.  Truly laying down our comfort and lifting up our hands and our voices together to worship Him, with dancing feet, and loud proclamation we worshiped. We proclaimed that He is mighty, able and our Lord above all.  

For the twenty-four hours to follow.  God sent the rain, literally.  Then He placed in the sky 3, 4, 5, 6 rainbows. It seemed like everywhere I turned God covered the San Diego sky with bows.  "I have set my bow in the cloud, and it shall be a sign of the covenant that I make between you and every living creature that is with you, for all generations."  This I was reminded of, not once, not twice but three times that God keeps His promises. The promise of abundant life, the promise to never leave us or forsake us, the promise to lead us beside still waters and to restore our soul, the promise to be our strong tower, our fortress, refuge from the storm.  And most of all the promise that when we seek Him we will find Him and He will pour out the floodgates from heaven and send the rain for our parched lips

What promises do you ache to see fulfilled?  

What dry and thirsty places does your soul long to have filled? 

"When the poor and needy seek water, and there is none, 

and their tongue is parched with thirst, 

I the Lord will answer them; I the God of Israel will not forsake them. 

I will open rivers on the bare heights, and fountains in the midst of the valleys.

I will make the wilderness a pool of water and the dry land springs of water." 

Isaiah 41:17

"Shower, O heavens, from above, 

and let the clouds rain down righteousness. 

let the earth open, that salvation and righteousness may bear fruit; 

let the earth cause them both to sprout; 

I the Lord have created it." 

Isaiah 45:8

Yes Lord!

Let it rain!  Let it rain! Open the floodgates from heaven! 

My soul longs for you, nothing else will do! 

Strengths Gained in Waiting

If you have been following my blog for a while now, you know that I have been stretching and waiting and stretching and waiting.  I have grown and been challenged quite publicly with a wonderful audience of friends like you listening.   So I have a revelation for all of you, I think that I am finally in a new season. No, the journey is not done, in fact, in many ways it is just beginning but I am starting to see the why in all the waiting, the plan in all the uncertainty, the path in the midst of my chaos. I am beginning to see what I was being prepared for. I think I am finally leaving the waiting room.

For several days now I have gone back and re-read my posts from the past 2 years.  All I can say, is WOW... I see strength where I thought there was none, I hear wisdom and encouragement when all I felt was doubt, I read hope in the midst of my uncertainty. Thank you God!  I am beyond surprised by all God has said through me and am seeing now that indeed..."Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength.  They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not grow faint."  

The most exciting realization is that the strength that was given during the waiting, is not just for that dry season, but in fact it is a permanent gain taken into the next season. We grow in strength by having the courage to wait and by walking out the pain and uncertainty of growth. But we don't just gain the strength to get through the difficulty of waiting and the challenge of growth.  Instead, we take that strength on into the future.  It is the long waiting that in fact may be what prepares us for the next step in the journey.  So once again I find myself compelled to share quite publicly what it is I have learned. 

The strengths I have gained while waiting...

1. I am humbled... I am not much without God's help. I have been incredibly gifted by Him but am only able to use those gifts to their full potential when I am submitted wholly to Him. He will fill in the blanks in my sentences, the gaps in my abilities, the blatant failures of my humanness. 

2. I care less what others think of me...I'd like to say I care nothing of what other's think of me. But I don't think that is realistic and many times not wise as well.  I plan to hang on to a healthy dose of respect for other's demands of me, but am also determined to seek first God's design for my time, my energy and my passion.

3. I believe again that dreams do come true... We may mourn the loss of our dreams and our longings for a season, but God's design is that they become completely under His guidance until He can fulfill them beyond our expectations.  In fact, He is in the business of fulfilling dreams we didn't realize we even had or ones we only thought would happen in heaven.

4. God is cool! He really is!  Even when He is hard on us... to grow us... challenge us...mold us...He has the very best in mind for us.  It doesn't feel good when He disciplines us and makes us into a new creation, but in the long run, it's worth it.  I like who He is making me into.  It's a healthier person, a more content person, a more focused follower.  He molds us then sets us free to be all He has created us to be.

5. I must hold EVERY thought captive!  I am a spinner of tales.  Tales of wo against my own frailty.  I am my worst enemy and my biggest critic.  There are times when I must ignore, move on from, deny, and purposefully destroy certain thoughts, beliefs, tales of wo, and other crazy ideas that come to rule my heart and mind like a twisted rope choking out life. No more!

6. Just because I am afraid or freaked out doesn't mean I'm not doing exactly what I am suppose to be doing.  In fact, if I push through my fear and trust God, I may surprise both myself and everyone else with the outcome. Who knows, it might even be fun! :D

7. Lastly, but most importantly....I must spend daily time with my Savior. Time in prayer.  Time in the Word. Even if it is reading one Bible verse each day.  God's truth must permeate my being regularly. 

Can you tell it has been a lot of strength training? I know I still have a lot to learn...But I also can see know that He has been preparing me for the next part of my journey.  Without waiting (which I complained about profusely), without submitting to Him (which I questioned regularly), without sharing with all of you (which challenged my privacy)...I would not have this list of strengths.  Thanks for walking this journey with me.  I hope you will take the time to share yours...with whoever is suppose to listen.  I am thankful that I have not walked it alone. 

BTW...I am also thankful to be leaving the waiting room. Whew!

Exercise the small muscles first...

I had wondered if it was going to happen that week.  I had that bag sitting in the back of my car, several times needing to remind my kids it was not for snacking but for the homeless.  It was Friday, almost a week since they had been passed out at church: Blessings Bags for the Homeless. My busy week of driving all over the community for this and that rehearsal, dance classes, violin, picking up from schools, grocery store, Costco, etc. did not include seeking out the homeless.  Lord, give me an opportunity right in my path, I had whispered several times that week.    So there I was driving through the Carmel Mountain shopping center.  I was busy thinking about my morning at the gym. "Exercise the large muscle groups first.  Then the small ones" it said on the monitor... did I do this? not sure.....hmmm... it's frustrating that stores are not open earlier... don't they know us moms are free right after drop off from school.... why do they wait until 10 am to open stores??!?... hmmm... that would be a funny comment to put on Facebook... what could I say??...oh shoot... I have to drive around the construction... oh yeah... they are putting in a Nordstrom Rack... at least that is what I heard.....that will be pretty cool....I bet they won't open until 10 either though... grrr... 


I pull out onto Carmel Mountain Road and then I see him.  His head was hung low, his shoulders hunched over, his white hair stuck up in odd places, he had a cigarette.  He did not even look up as he crossed the street.  Then I saw what was under his arm:  A wet sleeping bag... Neatly rolled... tied with a string.  I passed him and then looked back.  "He's the one!" I heard that still small voice.  "Really... I'm by myself.  My kids won't share the experience."  "Go back."  OK... I turn my car around and stop by the side of the road.  Dashing up to him, I say "excuse me, sir!"


He looked up. I catch him and say..."I see that you spent the night out in this rain. I sure that was a long night.  I just wanted to stop and give this bag to you. God wanted me to give it to you."  He looked up to me and I stared back into warm crystal blue sky eyes. "Thank you!God bless you!" he says with warmth in his eyes and even a small sparkle.  "Do you know Jesus as your Savior?" I inquire.  "YES! He is My Father." He says as his eyes continue to glow at me and he holds his head up from it's dropped position. "How long have you lived in San Diego?" I ask. "Oh seven years, it's been. I keep thinking the Good Lord is going to take me.  I keep thinking my time is done." This time I hear a longing in his voice.  We say in unison. "But he must still have plans for you/me."  I smile...almost grin as I know we share the same Lord and have the same words.  "He must have something else in mind for you. He must have plans for your life." I say.  He eyes smile back at me as he places his hand on my arm and says. "Thank you, my sister."


As I walk back to my car, the tears fill my eyes.  I have just looked into the face of Jesus.  "Whatever you do for the least of these my brothers and sisters you do it for me."  Then in that still small voice I hear. "Sometimes it is good to exercise the small muscles first."