Top 10 ways to keep denying Christmas Stress

When cracks appear in denial of stress...

1. Sing a Christmas Carol 

 2. Eat Christmas Fudge 

3. Spend too long wrapping 1 present so it REALLY looks good 

4. Eat peppermint bark 

5. Put on Perry Como's Christmas 

6. Move the 2 christmas ornaments on the tree that are in just the wrong place. 

7. Sing o Holy Night really loud off key 

8. Go into your favorite shop and browse for things u really like but don't buy anything. 

9. Count how many presents you already wrapped. 

10. Did I mention eating fudge.  

Don't you feel better already!!!!

Won't you join me in a bit of denial this Christmas!

So here we find ourselves in the midst of Christmas crazies.  Purchase, box, ship, stamp, bake, buy, gifts, gifts, gifts....We all spin ourselves around and around... we all talk about the need to go back to the real meaning of Christmas.  The real heart of Christmas...Countless blog have already been written about it this year and in years past.  I'm pretty sure there are 100's of books on the subject: "How to find the real meaning in the holidays."  Nothing really changes.  Ok... so I got a fleece sweatshirt at Old Navy for $3.99 today.  That didn't happen last year... but besides that I'm having the same discussions with the same women about the same things I did last year.  The desperate attempt to keep Christmas season sane but still go to all the parties, see the lights, sing the carols, buy all the same gifts, spend the same or more than last year,  and on and on.  We struggle...But this year I decided there is one thing I would do differently... I chose peace!  I am positive it is a master attempt at denial.... and tonight I saw small cracks in my peaceful world as I barked at the kids after dinner.  So... it seems to be a requiring a lot more denial than originally planned for... but so far while I am just as busy and just as crazy with things to do... I am continuing to choose peace and I plan to keep choosing peace. I plan to not let those cracks turn into crevices where I fall apart with the stress of it all. So as I keep choosing peace, keep choosing denial, the great part is I am enjoying myself a lot more.  I'm not nearly as tired as I usually am and I'm still pretty much getting everything done. And yes...  the only difference is that  I've just plain refused to stress out.  I should be stressed out... but I am choosing peace.  I should be freaking out... but I'm choosing peace.

I am choosing peace because I know this for sure... Christ came to this earth in the simplicity of a small stable surrounded by barn animals. In the midst of a huge census which I can only imagine was incredibly chaotic and stressful. Yet, in God's perfect plan, planets and stars aligned to form a beautiful Christmas star to shine over Bethlehem, as if perfectly timed to rejoice His coming. It was a tumultuous time in history, Herod was a jealous almost paranoid king who had already killed all the baby boys to attempt to rid his kingdom from any hint of rebellion.  Not simple by any means. Yet, God chose shepherds keeping their watch over their flocks to reveal his glory and come to worship Him.  Simple, despite the complex... peaceful, despite the chaos. It was God's perfect choice to bring the Savior of the world in a simple, peaceful way.  As a result I too can chose simple in the midst of the complex and peace in the season of chaos.  I chose Him!

Hope you'll join me in a bit of denial this Christmas!
Peace be with you!

Urgency in Today: Passion for what matters

It is so very easy to be passionate about the wrong things in our culture.  I am not sure it is totally an American thing or just a thing in the World today.  We seem to have no problem being passionate in our complaining.  Passionate in our anger of how the world has wronged us or our friends or our family today.  What has happened to passionate followers of Christ?  Since when are we to be more passionate about who cut us off on the freeway, which waitress was rude to us, how someone wouldn't honor a sale in a store, how our child has been mistreated by their teacher or dare i say how our government has failed us yet again, than our passion for Christ, the things He has called us to, and the freedom He alone has given us.  We seem to be spending all our energy on the wrong things.  Fellow believers... God has indwelled in our hearts for more than this.  He has placed His Living Water within us for more than our frustrations.  Yes, there is a time and place for righteous anger, but complaining is not what we are to do with that righteous anger.  


ACTION is what the Lord has made us for. Action that comes out of the power and glory of God that is present within us.  Action that comes flowing out of us like a river of healing waters.  It is what He promises to refuel us for, it is what He actively works in us for, it is what His word, His heart and His example are all about.

 SO...flee from these things, you man [or woman] of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness. 


Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called...


Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God who richly supplies us with ALL things to enjoy.  


Instruct them to do good, be rich in good works, to be generous, and ready to share, storing up for themselves the treasure of the good foundation for the future, so they may take hold of that which is LIFE indeed!!


Guard what has been entrusted to you avoiding worldly and empty chatter and the opposing arguments of what is falsely called "knowledge" -- which some have professed and thus gone astray in the faith.


Grace be with you.  Timothy 6:11-21


And i repeat... 


Grace be with you!

Why the rabbit hole leads to doing?

So I love how things with God always come full circle just when you think it was all for not or at least all for not what you thought...Of course leave it to Beth Moore (with the word of the Lord in hand) to make sense of it all and bring it all around.  So for about 2 or 3 years now I have had a verse on my blackboard in my kitchen.  Originally I intended to change the verse every few months... but there it has been sitting for 2 or 3 years now... ok maybe more... I have lost track.  It was this verse that spurred me on to write in the very beginning about promises in my life.  You know the ones you just ache for.  Well, this verse so innocently placed has become that promise.  It has been one that at times has mocked me, at others has frustrated me and more recently has baffled me. But.... Every single time I have gone to erased it, God prompts me to leave it.  "I'm not done with this one yet, Kelly!" " Keep it there till you see it happen, Kelly"  At this point there are child doodles around it and little flowers between it.  Even my kids who can not resist drawing on the board, have not erased it.  I forget it is even a chalk board now. Here it is:

"And the Lord will continually guide you,
And satisfy your desire in scorched places,
And give strength to your bones;
And you will be a well-watered garden,
like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."  Isaiah 58:11

Wow... cool promise huh!  Who doesn't want that??  So lately I have been asking the Lord, "Is this it?  Am I here?"  But it was not until today that I heard the rushing of the water. Today when Beth Moore explained all the verses leading up to this verse, I got it.  I understood what the trip down the rabbit hole was all about, I realized what God has been up to so that I can fully understand and experience this promise in my life. It is the answer to all the WHY questions. So what do the verses before it say... basically they talk all about doing good and the pouring out of ourselves that goes with that.  It includes things like caring for the homeless, feeding the hungry, giving yourself to the afflicted.  So what I realized (with a little help from Beth) is when we are doing the Father's business, when we are doing the things that are on His heart that we are guided, satisfied, strengthened, and well watered.

I realized that it is time to end my healing.  It is time for Gilgal to be complete.  The hunkering down, the self realization, the self doubt, the ups and down of growing and shrinking, the strangeness I suddenly found in own skin. All that had a purpose to draw me out of the healing time and back into the doing. We can not stay in the healing place forever.  I had been in it for far too long.  The death of my father, my heartache of miscarriage, old hurts in my marriage, hurts in my friendships, all were genuine tough things, all were things that required me to hunker down and self focus.  The good part is I got disciplined in my places of hurt.  Disciplined about God's word, disciplined about my Sabbath rest, disciplined about forgiveness, disciplined about who I spend time with.  But now that I am healed, it was time for the shepherd to send me out of the pasture. I guess I have been a little reluctant to go.  I would cautiously take a few steps out but then would scurry back into my safety zone.  So in a sense my good and loving father needed me to be annoyed with the place I was in.  He needed me to be dissatisfied with where I was and to ache and be uncomfortable with my status quo.  He wanted me ready, passionate, and yet still disciplined so He can take me to the next assignment He has for me in the kingdom. Down the rabbit hole, through the looking glass, and a bit of navel gazing was part of the preparation and yet it was done to get me into doing again.  I have to say... I am ready to be back to my Father's business!!!! Ready to do good in his kingdom. Ready to take all I have learned and give back.  I am ready to be out of my self focus and back to the Father's good work. I have already gotten started which is awesome.  I know I will keep writing.  I know I will keep speaking.  Being creative with my artistic side will be required and utilized.  I will be back to working with kids in some way.  Singing with all my heart and leading others to do the same. Perhaps a little acting and even a bit of dancing will happen.  A lot of mothering and a great deal of loving the hubby will be required.  Does it have a title associated with it? No... Will I gain any worldly honors for it? No... but it will reap a harvest that my Father in heaven will walk behind me gathering up as I go forward. I hear the rushing of the water.... but the verse ain't coming down yet!

The multiple fish fry: Living a Life of Expectancy

So here I find myself, walking a new journey beyond the Looking Glass, saying yes to things I would have cringed at and worried about before.  I am trying desperately to walk this new path with a peace in my step and a calm in my heart. And most of all with expectancy for the things to come. Mostly I am succeeding by constant reminders from the Lord that He is right beside me and has opened up these new opportunities for me in my cry for help.  I have to be honest though, underlying it all, I have a nervousness about me.  Will it all prove to be too much? Can I trust that His yoke is easy and His burden light?  Will all these new items on the menu, prove to get overcooked, underdone or worse still burned?  Or will I trust His timing and His plan for the meal?

I am still frying up all the same main dishes as before.  Kids schedules on one burner, husbands needs on another one, household duties on another... these are the old familiar ones that tend to burn without constant stirring.  They need to be salted to keep tasty, and need my engagement and action to keep the boiling going.  The fun part is now I have several more burners going with a few extra side dishes... I'm writing more, speaking to women more, recently I have contributed my voice to a new choral group, I may be using my acting skills again (this one is a secret which I'll share if it pans out), I have been making props with my artistic side for my daughter's play, and on the side enjoy my new craft room making cards for friends or trying out new techniques. I am also taking a Beth Moore Bible Study which is challenging me and growing me....Whew... feels like a lot of fish to fry.  All of them are just beginning to cook, and if I stop and really think I feel a bit overwhelmed.

So will the new Alice please stand up!  The one with all her "muchness".  I have already grown and shrunk over and over in the last few months.  I seem and feel my own height again. You'd think all the stretching would make all of this seem normal almost a relief. Yet I find myself with new questions. Can and will I walk in the confidence of Christ?  Can and will I chose to keep Him as the main author of my time, my passions and my hopes?  He is the Prince of Peace after all.  I just have to keep Him as Prince over it ALL...Let Him turn up the flame over these new ventures, and turn down the ones that He doesn't have in mind for me now. Let Him be the author and perfecter of my faith. Let Him be the ruler.  It is then that He is the Prince of Peace for my life!!

Being "MUCH" but staying disciplined!

So I have recently discovered a new contrast in life. Discipline brings freedom.  Now that I have returned to being a person of passion.  Now that I am feeling alive again.  A new truism has dominated my landscape.... I must stay focused and disciplined even in the face of new ideas, new opportunities and new dreams.  I cannot in my passion for living lose sight of the basics. Yes, the newfound 'muchness' has made me busy.... ok 'busy' is not quite the right word, 'full' is a better one.  As my neighbor said to me one day... "your dance card is full"  Its a perfect description 'cuz boy am I dancing but boy is life 'full'.  Maybe because I am a mom or maybe it is part of feeling determined and passionate about what is important to me, but I find the more I stay focused and disciplined about all the do-overs in my life...the more I am sure to exercise, get proper rest, eat right, keep the house tidy, and spend quality time with my family....then the more I find freedom to do the things I am passionate about doing. I can say it has taken courage to step out into new opportunities.  Courage to keep at it and try some new things outside my comfort zone. But it has also required real discipline.  I have a lot of people relying on me. I can't let my new hobbies or ideas or current fads rule the roost around here.  I can and do have the space for it, but only if I stick to it, keep to my schedule, get proper sleep and exercise, and not let anxiousness about tomorrow rob me from today.

No worries...gals... I am not attempting to be SUPERMOM....I don't think she exists but if she does she is definitely not me. All I am saying is as hard as I have worked to bring this discipline into my life... I am realizing my zest for life can co-exist in that realm as well. Spontaneous, alive, and giggly Kelly can thrive in a world with order and regiment.  Hmmmm.... discipline brings freedom.... not at all what I expected to learn in life!!!

Finding My Muchness in Italy

Wow... what a trip. You are probably all dying to know how travels in Europe with kiddos went and find out about the rest of my journey through Wonderland.  I know...I haven't written. I wanted to and ached to but found with only an iphone to write on, my contact while on my journey was limited. Hopefully I am friends with most of you on Facebook and you were able to get glimpses of our journey along the way.  But it's actually not the traveling itself nor the experience of being in France or Italy nor what it was like with kids that I want to write about.  No instead you must endure a bit more of Alice which I know is quite disconcerting.  Whether through the looking glass or down the rabbit hole, Alice does find her way into things for me these days.

So about that "muchness" I mentioned.  Yes, I finally did see the new Alice in Wonderland.  Yes, the wonders of modern technology... I watched it on the screen on the back of the seat in front of me on the way to Paris.  So.... what did i think?... well, it all followed so well with where I have been with Alice these days.  The particular part of the movie that struck me was the concern of all the characters that the grown girl who had fallen down the rabbit hole was not indeed the "real' Alice.  This "Alice" has lost her "muchness".  The real Alice had much "Muchness" so this can't be the "real" Alice.  So true! What does happen to us that causes the "real" us to lose our "muchness"?  Do we grow tired and weary and sad with the weight of the world? OR does our realism over shadow our belief that we can and will do what we set out to do?  I am not sure which it is but somewhere along the way in this life I too, like Alice, lost my "muchness."  When I was younger, I always seem to know where I was going.  I had a sense of certainty and maybe even an arrogance about me that I knew what and how I was suppose to live.  Maybe it was my youthful rebellion or my confidence in my own mortality.  Through the years though, through moments of grief, through pain and uncertainty in life, through circumstances I did not expect, through experiences that have shown me I am pretty clueless, somewhere in all of that I lost my "muchness." I am not saying that a little humility and greater dependance on God wasn't necessary for me.  But in someways I 'threw the baby out with the bath water' so to speak.  Somewhere in there I lost my passion.  I lost me.

So the great news is somewhere along my travels, I seem to have found it again.  A moment standing on the grass of a Tuscan farm watching my children play with strangers, eating a meal cooked and prepared by families from all over this world, somewhere in that sweet moment of community and gathering together. I remembered and discovered anew what makes me tick.  A passion and need for music and art in my life daily...A true love of community... friends gathered...wine...good food... new friendship...multicultural interactions that transcend language and are brought together by just a smile and a shared twinkle in the eye...the beauty of both the landscape created naturally by God and the hardscape molded by man through history and time blended and transcendent in time and place.... simple unity of the present and the past...not in competition with each other but acceptant and embracing of one another.
These are the places and moments that hallmarked this trip for me.  They are the moments in time that have from the beginning of time brought simple contentment to the human heart.  They brought contentment to mine and in a sense a newness of purpose and "muchness" to recreate those simple moments both for my family and my close friends, as well as, for any strangers that may cross my path in years to come.

Eating the "eat me" cookie!

Ok... so now that I have wandered through Wonderland, gotten cut going through the Looking Glass,  I am certain somewhere along the way I ate a cookie that says "Eat me" and I have grown, grown, grown.  I feel like Alice with her head poking above the house with her arms and legs sticking out through the window.  The view is fantastic and I still feel a bit stuck but I also know I am no longer trapped.  So now what...
I'm not sure.  I have no idea actually.  But you know... I am not sure I care.  REALLY!!  Suddenly in all this remarkable journey, I have realized... I am who I am... Sam I am.  I am who God made me to be.  In all my awkward moments, in all the ways I stick out at times, shrink down at times, hide at times, boldly speak out at times, nitpick at times.  I am who He made me to be.  Yes, I stink at times too.  Yes I need forgiveness at times too.  But I no longer need to apologize for who I am and who I am made to be.

So what next??... well... I am headed out on another remarkable journey here shortly.  I am headed to France and Italy with my kids and my hubby.  All planned, researched and obsessed about by me.  [No pressure or anything.]  Are we crazy? A little... but this is a dream we have had since before the girls were born.  Nothing like an out of the box experience to lead directly into an out of the box experience.

So get ready to hear about our journey in the next month.  In keeping with my theme... you will hear the bad and the good, the painful and the fun, all mixed together to make incredible travel and learning.  So guess what movie I bought to entertain us as a family... none other than "Alice in Wonderland".  I hear it's a bit scary.  I'm not surprised.

Through the Looking Glass

So now that Alice has officially found her way at least part way up the rabbit hole.  I wanted to give you an update on the last few weeks.  Yes, I did put motherhood on my resume.  It was serious and mainly listed my skill set which in all honesty I only have due to this crazy job I have held for the last 10 1/2 years called "mommyhood." I totally appreciate all the feedback and for those who voted a special thanks. I don't know if anything will become of the job I applied for. At this point I am not sure it matters.  But I do know this. What I do has value!  I think that is what I really needed to know.  

I am not sure I ever really doubted my own value, nor did I desire to draw value from what I do.  I know that I am wonderfully made by an amazingly creative and loving God. I know that my gifts and talents are unique and given purposefully and lovingly.  So my self value was never really in doubt. [Either that or I am in complete denial!]  But what I was doubting is the following: Are those valuable things to God and to me, valuable to anyone else? [Not approved by them, as I am not looking for approval!]  Is what I do with those gifts, valuable to this world, to my church, to my neighborhood, to my family?  [I am not done with this part of my discovery.  I am still getting down to the knitty gritty of it all.]  Is what I do with my time and energy valuable?  [I don't want to gain my value from it, I only want to know... it is worth the time and energy?] Also, is there anything else I can be doing with my time and energy that is more valuable to this world than what I am currently doing? [This I must be careful with.  As you moms know, we have to guard our family life like a bird guarding a nest.]   So these were my questions and remain questions but as I search I finally feel somewhat closer to direction for this part of my life journey.  I can see the light up the rabbit hole.

What a looking glass experience!!  Reflections of self in a mirror which I then walk through into a new world. Only being cut by the glass on my way through seems a miracle, and while painful I now look back and see a new reflection of where I have been. Thus is this crazy race we run called life.  All leading down a path that to us seems curvy and lost but to the Master is clear and planned.  Thank you Lord that you are such an amazing guide!

Motherhood on my resume? Help me write the job description!

Ok... so I need your help on this one.  Should I or should I not include Motherhood on my resume?  Keep in mind I am applying to a preschool assistant position.  Take the poll above to say what you think.  Then if so inclined help me by writing what you think the job description part should say.  I can use a good laugh so funny is great too!!

Healing & too bad you can't put motherhood on your resume!

So I am healing....That much I know, through this blog I have been able to sort through what I am healing from.  Honestly though, I never thought when I started this blog that I would be catapulted into a strange world.  I have felt a little like Alice in Wonderland for the last month.  It is tempting just to shut the blog down with the hopes I will find my way back up the rabbit hole into a world I know.  No in all seriousness, struggling through painful issues in life is like Wonderland.  Things that were once ordinary look very strange.  I don't know which way is up or which door to go through.  Too large for my own life at times, shrunk down at other times to almost nothingness.  Confident one moment, completely unsure the next.  This is a strange world I find myself in....

But since this blog is all about contrasts I wanted to share all the good coming from this strange place I am in.

1. I have created a craft room for myself.  I can go into this space and create.  Something I have always wanted to have but never have gotten "a round to it" I have almost finished all my Mother's Day cards and they are beautiful if I do say so myself.

2. I have filled out an application for a part-time job at a preschool.  I have always thought about doing that once my kids were older.  Well... so... they are older. So why not?

3. In filling out my application I realized a whole bunch of things I have accomplished that I forgot about.  Jobs I had done well at, courses and training I had learned and completed.  You know...my resume ain't half bad.  I even added a few volunteer and ministry things I have done since my last held paid position.  Ok so it's all 10 years ago.  But it was still me. Too bad you can't put motherhood on your resume.  Honestly, it is the most challenging of all the jobs I have held.  Oh well...

4. My fourth and final good thing is I am learning to be kind to myself.  In order to heal, I have to let the soothing balm of the Holy Spirit blanket my wounded heart with kindness and gentleness and goodness.   I am so hard on myself, so negative, so impatient.  I am learning that if I want to truly heal, I must be kind to myself and allow the blanket to cover me gently, warming the chilled and pained parts of my soul.

5.  Ok there is one more...Last but not least...I am learning that I have better friends than I thought.  Thank you to all of you who are and have been supporting me through this challenging time.  You are sunshine to me and give me courage to face the pain.  You tell me when I have it all wrong, but encourage me when I am discouraged and disheartened.  Thanks to you all for being such great friends.

Women of Impact! Women of Worth!

So here I am in the midst of whatever grief/pain/struggle I am suppose to go through at Gilgal so to speak.  The very weird part is for most of this time I have been very unsure of what I am healing from. Calling it a "midlife crisis" seems so cliche but that would be what the world would call it.  Anyways... one night in the midst of trying to figure things out I wake up at about 2 am and can't stop crying. I am crying and crying and crying.  No, I am not PMS... not I am not really worried, angry or ??  So I get out of bed and decide journaling is the best thing for me.

I start by writing down all the things I am aching about.  I go deeper and deeper and cry all the more.  I began to touch on words like "discarded", "old", "trapped", "alone", "stuck", "disapproved", "disappointed", "judged" and began to ache for words like "friendship", "community", "empowered", "leadership", "purpose", "trust", "family", "belonging". As all these words and more soak over me, I am struck with the fact that I have bought into some lies.

1. "I have the reputation that I can't handle things because I am emotional."  

2. "I am no longer worthwhile to the body of Christ because of my age and my status as a mother."

3. "I don't have anyone at my church who relates to my life therefore I don't belong there."

4. "As a mom and wife, my only call is to nurture and care for my children and my husband. Oh... and I should work on being content with that."

5. "Even though I am in the prime of my working life, because I am a mother and wife and a Christian I should only focus on my family. My gifts are not useful outside the confines of my family life."

WHAT??!??!??!

Do I really believe this stuff...??  Not intellectually... not conceptually but when I really look at what I am crying about, what my deep pain is, these are the judgements I have put on myself, these are the things God wants to cut out of my life.  Does that mean I stop caring for my family and my husband? No!  Does that mean I leave my church because there are so few moms in my stage of life? No! Does that mean I stop being emotional? NO! (Sorry, honey!)  What it does mean is I stop letting these lies run my life.  I must cut out the thoughts, actions and beliefs about who I am, that are keeping me from being all He intended me to be.

Ladies, we were not created for loneliness.  We were not made for isolation, for lack of community, for despair, for futility. We were not created to be "working woman" or "stay at home moms"!  No, we were made to be women of impact and women of worth!!  We were made to take pride in all our work.  We are woman of purpose for ALL our tasks: our daily grind (laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.) and ALL our daily relationships (giving a friend an ear, listening to your 10 year old talk about school, lunch with a girlfriend, etc.) and ALL our daily community work (paid job, volunteering in the classroom, making cards for a sick friend, helping at a thrift shop, etc.)

We can be godly mothers and wives and still impact the kingdom outside of our home.  One is not more valuable that the other.  One is not more important than the other.  What is important is that we mix it up.  Do a little of all of it!  Do it with excellence and take our value from who we are made to be.

WOMAN of IMPACT!  WOMAN of WORTH!

That is what we were created to be!

Option 3: Facing Gilgal

The trouble with being angry with yourself is that it can only last for so long before you self destruct or fall apart or option 3...?? The frustrating part is that it is pretty useless to be mad at yourself. It can at times motivate change but what kind of change really comes out of anger.  This is the pit I have found myself in in the last few days and weeks.  Irritated at myself and personally at a pretty low point.  I think they may call this "Mid-life" crisis. You know the place where you question all that you have done in the past, evaluate it as being pretty lame, and then question what exactly your going to do with yourself next. So I am pretty mad that I am at a low point at all.  I really felt like this year I was going to claim all the promises God has for me and walk into the "promise land" so to speak.  I would figure out my purpose in life and step out in faith.  Except...I didn't expect to face Gilgal.  Huh... you might be saying.


Let me explain a little... Gilgal is where the Israelites first camped upon entering the Promise Land. God had just dried up the Jordan and they crossed over on dry land, just as they had done 40 years earlier at the Red Sea when they left Egypt. What a symbolic experience for them. Finally after 40 years of wandering in the desert, they were entering the Promise Land.  Yet what does God ask them to do?  "Make flint knives and circumcise the Israelites again."  All the men of military age who left Egypt had died and their sons had not been circumcised along the way. Can you image the pain and the fear of these men in submitting to circumcision as adults?  This is the most intimate and most tender part of a man.  They were choosing to submit to God the most intimate part and in many ways they had to do that publicly.  It says that they remained in the camp until they had all healed. It took about 14 days.  Then they celebrated Passover...(which if you recall is the night all the first born children in Egypt died and the Lord spared those who placed the blood of the lamb on their door post). And finally the day after Passover they ate the first produce of the "promised land".  It was that very day that the manna stopped (manna is the bread from heaven given by God each day to feed his people for the 40 years in the desert). [Joshua 5]


Wow...here is a generation of men who had all been born in the desert. Yet, they know all the stories of their journey:  how God had delivered them both on the Passover night and at the Red Sea.  They grew up sustained on manna.  They knew God's provision in a mighty way, they knew of his provision tangibly every day.  They are on the brink of leaving the desert, a place that is barren and has hardship and on the verge of experiencing all that has been promised to them and their forefathers. What a poignant moment! I would image they would expect a celebration.  That they would be ready to worship and praise Him with singing and dancing!  They had entered the promised land.  But wait!...Stop!  Isn't Gilgal that place?!?!  Isn't circumcision an ultimate act of worship for these people.  All of the men of military age would be healing and not at all in a place of readiness for war or protection of their people.  They are entering a foreign land, a land of abundance.  There are great people on this land. Yet, they must out of trust in their God, allow every man who can fight or protect submit to pain and be flat on their backs for 14 days.  What trust... what worship... what submission to the greatness and Sovereignty of God!


So here I am choosing option 3: facing Gilgal... wanting to celebrate the Promised Land.  But instead feeling pain and realizing I must first submit my most intimate parts to the Lord:  my deepest fears, my greatest longings, my heart.  I must allow Him to circumcise my heart, my mind and my soul. I have walked through the desert for many years now.  I have seen His daily provision for my life.  I feel secure that He will provide my needs.  Yet, before I am ready for the battles I will face in the promised place, I must allow myself as my act of worship to be cut and to feel pain.  All I want to do is dance and praise Him.  Yet, all He is asking is that I submit myself completely to Him as my act of worship.  He is also asking me to do that publicly.  So if you are reading this blog, you are my witnesses.  You may be a friend who has seen me cry many tears of pain in the last week. You may be a friend or an acquaintance who had no idea what has been going on with me. You may be a stranger (or not!) who finds all this a little weird.  Either way, you are my witnesses.   It took 14 days for the Israelites to heal.  I am hoping that is all it will take for me too.  So instead of wallowing in my self pity, being angry that I am in pain, being embarrassed by my own tears.  I chose to submit myself to Gilgal.  Allowing Him to circumcise the very depths of my soul.  I do it as an act of worship. I look forward to the healing and mostly I look forward to tasting the first real meal of promise.

The Ultimate Dichotomy: Easter

When I began this blog I had on my mind to talk and think about the dichotomies of life.  The good and the bad mingled, the darkness to light, the pain in the midst of joy and new life...these are the things that make life what it is: in all it's fullness... bittersweet chocolate.  So my last post, I thought was about what God would do in my mother in laws life, through my helping her and caring for her.  How lofty of me... when in fact it was my attitude that He wanted to address. That was probably obvious to all of you but I'm a little slow sometimes when it comes to myself.

So there I sat in church this Easter... tears streaming down my cheeks.  (I am pretty sure I cried the entire service!)  Why the tears?  For this Easter, I was utterly aware of the wretchedness of myself.  There I sat struggling with the same sins I have struggled with before:  jealousy, fear, consumed with my own needs, my own desires, my own dreams, my longings for "community"  Yet, no matter what I seem to say at that moment to the Lord, I was utterly aware that I was wretched and the tears were of anger and remorse and shame.  Yet, the dichotomy exists because this very state is the best place for me to be before His cross on Easter Sunday.  Me in all my wretchedness, Him in all His perfection. Both suffering yet, He in his perfection, paid the price for me.  He suffered, said goodbye to friends and family, ached with pain, struggled on that cross... so that I could have new life.  The most amazing news of Easter is that He too gained new life.  He reached complete perfection when He conquered death itself.  When He rose from that grave, His death was not in vain, His death overcame, conquered and triumphed all in one day!

His death = New Life
His suffering = Wholeness
His sacrifice = gain

What a sweet exchange!  What an amazing dichotomy!  Do I deserve it?  NO!  But what an amazing truth that the God who made this amazing universe, lowered Himself to be human so that He could truly befriend me and understand my struggles, and then die that death that really I deserve.  It is not fair.  It does not seem just.  Yet the dichotomy of that death brings life, brings freedom in the midst of bondage, brings sweetness in the face of loss, brings joy mingled with tears, brings praise in the midst of pain!  It allows us to let our hair down and be who He intended us to be.  Maybe for the first time.  Maybe for the millionth time.

But in all it's goodness what He did was complete.  "It is Finished!"

So what does this mean for  me?....what does this mean for you?  It means that free for the offering is a life that is free of bondage, free of shame, free of guilt, free of sin!  All I have to do is believe and all you have to do is believe.  That simple... Will you?  Will I?  Believe?

"Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!"

WWJD? easy? no! challenging? yes!

So you would think this is a no brainer... My mother in law took a bad tumble and dislocated and broke her shoulder.  Of course I should help her...so what is my attitude problem?  I have a degree in Social Work.  Didn't I get it to help people?  I'm all for making a small difference in a big world.  So what is with the attitude?  It should be easy.  "What ever you do for the least of these you do for me."  Obvious and easy are not the same in this crazy world we live in.  Sometimes the very things that are obvious and right, are the hardest things to do in the world.  Even things that line up perfectly with your own values that are written on tablets of stone "Honor thy Father and Mother!"  Those things are still hard, challenging, require discipline and obedience.  I think I have the WWJD (what would Jesus do?) down.  Sometimes it is easier to help the stranger than my own family.  Sometimes it is convenient to say "Not my responsibility...not my problem..not my mom...not easy... so no I won't help."  But I know that as I gaze upon my mother in law's face, I am looking at the face of my Savior.  How much more did he do for me?!!  He gave it all for me...
I'll let you know how it goes!

Why to Blog??

Sometimes I am not sure what motivates or inspires me, yet here I am sharing my thoughts with the world for the first time... What will I share?... The struggle to find ones self in this busy crazy world? Holding on to dreams yet letting them go?  The contrasts of life that continue to baffle me?  I am not sure what??...This very thing, these contrasts never go away you know. I continue to find mess yet all I do is clean.  I continue to have too much stuff no matter what I get rid of. Why would anyone want to hear about that?  Yet here I remain... writing...putting it out there...A place to express at least... a place to get it down... maybe later a place to share it... I don't know...But here I am with my Sapphires and Faded Jean..."Girl, go ahead let your hair down"