Women of Impact! Women of Worth!

So here I am in the midst of whatever grief/pain/struggle I am suppose to go through at Gilgal so to speak.  The very weird part is for most of this time I have been very unsure of what I am healing from. Calling it a "midlife crisis" seems so cliche but that would be what the world would call it.  Anyways... one night in the midst of trying to figure things out I wake up at about 2 am and can't stop crying. I am crying and crying and crying.  No, I am not PMS... not I am not really worried, angry or ??  So I get out of bed and decide journaling is the best thing for me.

I start by writing down all the things I am aching about.  I go deeper and deeper and cry all the more.  I began to touch on words like "discarded", "old", "trapped", "alone", "stuck", "disapproved", "disappointed", "judged" and began to ache for words like "friendship", "community", "empowered", "leadership", "purpose", "trust", "family", "belonging". As all these words and more soak over me, I am struck with the fact that I have bought into some lies.

1. "I have the reputation that I can't handle things because I am emotional."  

2. "I am no longer worthwhile to the body of Christ because of my age and my status as a mother."

3. "I don't have anyone at my church who relates to my life therefore I don't belong there."

4. "As a mom and wife, my only call is to nurture and care for my children and my husband. Oh... and I should work on being content with that."

5. "Even though I am in the prime of my working life, because I am a mother and wife and a Christian I should only focus on my family. My gifts are not useful outside the confines of my family life."

WHAT??!??!??!

Do I really believe this stuff...??  Not intellectually... not conceptually but when I really look at what I am crying about, what my deep pain is, these are the judgements I have put on myself, these are the things God wants to cut out of my life.  Does that mean I stop caring for my family and my husband? No!  Does that mean I leave my church because there are so few moms in my stage of life? No! Does that mean I stop being emotional? NO! (Sorry, honey!)  What it does mean is I stop letting these lies run my life.  I must cut out the thoughts, actions and beliefs about who I am, that are keeping me from being all He intended me to be.

Ladies, we were not created for loneliness.  We were not made for isolation, for lack of community, for despair, for futility. We were not created to be "working woman" or "stay at home moms"!  No, we were made to be women of impact and women of worth!!  We were made to take pride in all our work.  We are woman of purpose for ALL our tasks: our daily grind (laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, etc.) and ALL our daily relationships (giving a friend an ear, listening to your 10 year old talk about school, lunch with a girlfriend, etc.) and ALL our daily community work (paid job, volunteering in the classroom, making cards for a sick friend, helping at a thrift shop, etc.)

We can be godly mothers and wives and still impact the kingdom outside of our home.  One is not more valuable that the other.  One is not more important than the other.  What is important is that we mix it up.  Do a little of all of it!  Do it with excellence and take our value from who we are made to be.

WOMAN of IMPACT!  WOMAN of WORTH!

That is what we were created to be!

Option 3: Facing Gilgal

The trouble with being angry with yourself is that it can only last for so long before you self destruct or fall apart or option 3...?? The frustrating part is that it is pretty useless to be mad at yourself. It can at times motivate change but what kind of change really comes out of anger.  This is the pit I have found myself in in the last few days and weeks.  Irritated at myself and personally at a pretty low point.  I think they may call this "Mid-life" crisis. You know the place where you question all that you have done in the past, evaluate it as being pretty lame, and then question what exactly your going to do with yourself next. So I am pretty mad that I am at a low point at all.  I really felt like this year I was going to claim all the promises God has for me and walk into the "promise land" so to speak.  I would figure out my purpose in life and step out in faith.  Except...I didn't expect to face Gilgal.  Huh... you might be saying.


Let me explain a little... Gilgal is where the Israelites first camped upon entering the Promise Land. God had just dried up the Jordan and they crossed over on dry land, just as they had done 40 years earlier at the Red Sea when they left Egypt. What a symbolic experience for them. Finally after 40 years of wandering in the desert, they were entering the Promise Land.  Yet what does God ask them to do?  "Make flint knives and circumcise the Israelites again."  All the men of military age who left Egypt had died and their sons had not been circumcised along the way. Can you image the pain and the fear of these men in submitting to circumcision as adults?  This is the most intimate and most tender part of a man.  They were choosing to submit to God the most intimate part and in many ways they had to do that publicly.  It says that they remained in the camp until they had all healed. It took about 14 days.  Then they celebrated Passover...(which if you recall is the night all the first born children in Egypt died and the Lord spared those who placed the blood of the lamb on their door post). And finally the day after Passover they ate the first produce of the "promised land".  It was that very day that the manna stopped (manna is the bread from heaven given by God each day to feed his people for the 40 years in the desert). [Joshua 5]


Wow...here is a generation of men who had all been born in the desert. Yet, they know all the stories of their journey:  how God had delivered them both on the Passover night and at the Red Sea.  They grew up sustained on manna.  They knew God's provision in a mighty way, they knew of his provision tangibly every day.  They are on the brink of leaving the desert, a place that is barren and has hardship and on the verge of experiencing all that has been promised to them and their forefathers. What a poignant moment! I would image they would expect a celebration.  That they would be ready to worship and praise Him with singing and dancing!  They had entered the promised land.  But wait!...Stop!  Isn't Gilgal that place?!?!  Isn't circumcision an ultimate act of worship for these people.  All of the men of military age would be healing and not at all in a place of readiness for war or protection of their people.  They are entering a foreign land, a land of abundance.  There are great people on this land. Yet, they must out of trust in their God, allow every man who can fight or protect submit to pain and be flat on their backs for 14 days.  What trust... what worship... what submission to the greatness and Sovereignty of God!


So here I am choosing option 3: facing Gilgal... wanting to celebrate the Promised Land.  But instead feeling pain and realizing I must first submit my most intimate parts to the Lord:  my deepest fears, my greatest longings, my heart.  I must allow Him to circumcise my heart, my mind and my soul. I have walked through the desert for many years now.  I have seen His daily provision for my life.  I feel secure that He will provide my needs.  Yet, before I am ready for the battles I will face in the promised place, I must allow myself as my act of worship to be cut and to feel pain.  All I want to do is dance and praise Him.  Yet, all He is asking is that I submit myself completely to Him as my act of worship.  He is also asking me to do that publicly.  So if you are reading this blog, you are my witnesses.  You may be a friend who has seen me cry many tears of pain in the last week. You may be a friend or an acquaintance who had no idea what has been going on with me. You may be a stranger (or not!) who finds all this a little weird.  Either way, you are my witnesses.   It took 14 days for the Israelites to heal.  I am hoping that is all it will take for me too.  So instead of wallowing in my self pity, being angry that I am in pain, being embarrassed by my own tears.  I chose to submit myself to Gilgal.  Allowing Him to circumcise the very depths of my soul.  I do it as an act of worship. I look forward to the healing and mostly I look forward to tasting the first real meal of promise.

The Ultimate Dichotomy: Easter

When I began this blog I had on my mind to talk and think about the dichotomies of life.  The good and the bad mingled, the darkness to light, the pain in the midst of joy and new life...these are the things that make life what it is: in all it's fullness... bittersweet chocolate.  So my last post, I thought was about what God would do in my mother in laws life, through my helping her and caring for her.  How lofty of me... when in fact it was my attitude that He wanted to address. That was probably obvious to all of you but I'm a little slow sometimes when it comes to myself.

So there I sat in church this Easter... tears streaming down my cheeks.  (I am pretty sure I cried the entire service!)  Why the tears?  For this Easter, I was utterly aware of the wretchedness of myself.  There I sat struggling with the same sins I have struggled with before:  jealousy, fear, consumed with my own needs, my own desires, my own dreams, my longings for "community"  Yet, no matter what I seem to say at that moment to the Lord, I was utterly aware that I was wretched and the tears were of anger and remorse and shame.  Yet, the dichotomy exists because this very state is the best place for me to be before His cross on Easter Sunday.  Me in all my wretchedness, Him in all His perfection. Both suffering yet, He in his perfection, paid the price for me.  He suffered, said goodbye to friends and family, ached with pain, struggled on that cross... so that I could have new life.  The most amazing news of Easter is that He too gained new life.  He reached complete perfection when He conquered death itself.  When He rose from that grave, His death was not in vain, His death overcame, conquered and triumphed all in one day!

His death = New Life
His suffering = Wholeness
His sacrifice = gain

What a sweet exchange!  What an amazing dichotomy!  Do I deserve it?  NO!  But what an amazing truth that the God who made this amazing universe, lowered Himself to be human so that He could truly befriend me and understand my struggles, and then die that death that really I deserve.  It is not fair.  It does not seem just.  Yet the dichotomy of that death brings life, brings freedom in the midst of bondage, brings sweetness in the face of loss, brings joy mingled with tears, brings praise in the midst of pain!  It allows us to let our hair down and be who He intended us to be.  Maybe for the first time.  Maybe for the millionth time.

But in all it's goodness what He did was complete.  "It is Finished!"

So what does this mean for  me?....what does this mean for you?  It means that free for the offering is a life that is free of bondage, free of shame, free of guilt, free of sin!  All I have to do is believe and all you have to do is believe.  That simple... Will you?  Will I?  Believe?

"Lord, I believe, help my unbelief!"